The Bright Side of Bad

Three blog posts in one week you say? Well, living with a chronic illness has taught me to look at the bright side of bad, and the bright side to limited mobility this week has been more time to write (and more time to watch Netflix without feeling guilty!)

So while rewatching old House episodes I have been thinking about all the curiosities I have observed while in Spain and decided I would share those with you while waiting for my homemade soup to cook.

I covered a lot of miles in Spain since the beginning of October when I arrived, and until this week did not see a single stop light. The Spanish really like traffic circles! They are everywhere. Small towns and villages and big cities have traffic circles adorned with flowers and fountains and statues. It really is lovely and keeps the traffic moving quite well. What is odd is that the Spanish do not seem to know how to use traffic circles! Or at least if they do, the rules here are quite different than in Canada. It is kind of an every man for himself scenario here that does not seem to involve being in the outside lane of the circle when exiting it!

Traffic circles remind me of when I was giving my oldest son Joel driving lessons. Joel and his brother Nathan and I were driving in a new neighbourhood in southeast Calgary where there was a brand new traffic circle – one of the few I could find where I could teach Joel how to navigate them. The problem was that I never thought to teach him before we entered the circle. What that meant was that once we were in the circle Joel had absolutely no idea what to do – so while I explained it to him, he drove around and around and around…making so many circles that Nathan and I started to laugh so hard that poor Joel got flustered and that made him unable to execute the manouver even after I explained what he needed to do. So around and around we continued, driving in circles which fueled more hysterical peals of laughter, causing poor Joel enough stress to ensure he did not take another driving lesson for years!

Another Spanish oddity are the rows and rows and rows and rows (you get the picture) of Iberian ham in the grocery stores. I get that the Iberian peninsula is famous for its ham – but the equivalent would be to go to a grocery store in Canada and have to walk past four aisles of nothing but maple syrup!

Next up – the Spanish language. Now I love Spanish and have been learning it since 2016. It is a fairly easy language to learn (at least compared to French) and most things make sense to me. Except for the standard greeting everyone knows… good day. Good day in Spanish is Buenos Dias…which actually translates “good days.” Why plural? Why not use the singular bueno dia? Well – they do in fact come close to that when they shorten buenos dias to Bueno…or just “good.” Now that’s odd! Good what? Good body? Good smile? Good riddance?

Another oddity is the propensity of restaurants in Spain to serve both potatoes and rice with any given entre. Like dried cured meat isn’t bad enough for one’s heart they have to throw in fried potatoes? After travel to dozens of countries over the years I am beginning to realize that vegetables (of the crunchy green variety) is a Canadian thing. Even when I toured for many weeks in the United States I had trouble finding decent al dente green veggies on the menu (except maybe in very high end restaurants – which I suspect may also be the case here). Everywhere I go vegetables (if they are even on the menu at all) are stewed or fried or just plain overcooked and mushy!

The last oddity I noticed is the distinct lack of fat people – despite rice and potatoes being eaten with EVERY MEAL! What gives? I just look at French Fries and gain five pounds! Maybe it is because they drink so much wine??? 

That’s it! Drink more wine and you can eat all the French Fries you want!!

Now that’s looking at the bright side of bad! 

 

The Rain in Spain

 There seems to be a lot of buzz about Spain and Portugal these days. I blame International Living magazine which states that they are two of the cheapest countries to live in. American politics, the cost of living in other countries, and inflation everywhere has people rethinking where they want to live.

I am Canadian and feel no reason to flee my country’s politics, and God knows I cannot afford to flee my free health care and Pharmacare. One of the drugs I am on costs $4344.18 for a 30-day supply! I must admit however that the buzz got me curious enough to come here this fall for a five-week sojourn to see what all the hype is about.

I have visited Madrid, Segovia, San Sebastien, Pamplona, Zaragoza, Barcelona, Peniscola, Valencia, Toledo, Ronda, Malaga, Seville, Algarve, Lisbon, Porto, Salamanca, Avila and even made a quick foray into the tiny country of Andorra. I am currently in Estepona, and like it so much I am hanging out here for two weeks. Watching the sunrise over the mountains and reflect on the Mediterranean Sea in various shades of orange, pink and yellow has been spectacular. As has the weather – but I will come back to that topic later.

I have been to Europe several times before, but I have to say, if one is into ancient architecture and well preserved historic buildings – Spain is definitely worth the visit. I walked the streets of villages dating back to the 1100’s and saw sights that were pre Roman Empire. The Gothic, Baroque, Spanish Colonial, Renaissance, and Moorish architecture at times had me in tears. Lovers of art will go nuts. Many cities seamlessly marry modern architecture with ancient. My favourites were Seville and Valencia.

The geography in Spain varies greatly from place to place and I have to say that I did not find most of it outstandingly beautiful. Coming from one of the most beautiful places on earth keeps my bar set pretty high for what can impress me. The north (Basque Country) was mountain and forest with lovely green valleys. Unfortunately, it was cool, gray, and rainy. The centre of the country was flat, mostly treeless, and reminded me of the Canadian Prairies. The sun shone most of the time but it was quite cool – especially in the mornings. (I doubt whether the rain in Spain falls mostly on the plains). 

The east coast was beautiful with lovely turquoise water, sandy beaches and the hills were dotted with villages. Peniscola looked like Santorini…steep skinny streets and whitewashed buildings. The weather in that part of the country is some of the warmest and I defiantly would consider returning sometime for the month of November or December. The south, Andalucía province, is my favorite. The mountains run almost to the sea. The hills are dry – much like south central British Columbia – and are covered in orange and olive groves. The towns and cities are clean and vibrant and the weather has been spectacular. I arrived here on October 23^rd and highs each day have been 28 Celsius.

Packing for this trip was a challenge as I knew the weather was going to vary greatly from place to place. I brought more warm clothes to be safe – as I hate the cold, and was glad to have my wool coat and scarf with me when I was in Portugal where it was quite cold, rainy, and windy. On the other hand, I have been laying by the pool without a bathing suit – wearing the only sundress I brought. I try not to hang out here at the resort very long so people don’t figure out I am wearing the same thing every day!

I cannot say I was overly impressed with Portugal. I did love Lisbon – it is a lovely city, and fast becoming the go-to city in Europe – but apart from Lisbon, not so much. The historical sites there were run down and everything is covered in a layer of mildew for it is humid and wet. While the coast is dramatic – there are similar dramatic coastlines in Spain where the historical sites are pristine and the weather is welcoming.

The food I have experienced has been disappointing. You hear about the great food here all the time but unless you have A LOT of money and can afford to eat at the higher end restaurants, the affordable food at restaurants is mediocre at best (in my humble opinion). They eat a lot meat here and a lot of French fries and rice – in fact practically every meal has nothing but these three things on the plate! As for vegetables…good luck finding those on the menu!

The first thing I did when I settled in here in Estepona was go to the grocery store to buy fruits and veggies…and wow…were they ever expensive! People are seriously misled it they think it is cheaper to live here. Rent and housing might be cheaper – but only in older buildings that are freezing cold in the winter and have no air-conditioning for summer! Or in areas that are very Spanish with few expats.

Personally, those were the areas I liked – the places that were not overrun with tourists and wintering Brits. Estepona, where I am now, is mostly Spanish. It has a lovely old town, and everywhere I go there are flowers. Buildings have murals painted on them and there is an amazing long flat beach with gorgeous Malecon. As I walked about I saw very few tourists, and heard very little English. Here, if you don’t mind living in an apartment (that is all there is in this town), they can be had for under 200,000 Euros. I found a place that I could rent in the winter, right on one of the lovely plazas, for about $1500 Canadian. It would be 3 blocks to the beach, and walking distance to everything.

The place I am renting right now could be rented for about the same and it has a lovely big balcony and gorgeous stunning views – but requires a vehicle for it is up on the hill overlooking Estepona (thus the views) but there is no public transport into town and no amenities here on the mountain. What is nice about Estepona is that it retains a small town feel, but it is very close to the larger cities of Malaga, Seville, and Granada with their operas, theatres, art galleries, cultural events, festivals, historic sites, great restaurants, etc.

Today I am off to drive up the mountain to the Paraje Natural Los Reales de Sierra Bermeja where I hope to observe some stunning views, birds of prey, and maybe – if I am lucky – I will find some mushrooms!

 

Is There a Bidet?

 

A bidet is not something I have ever installed in the many homes I have renovated. In Canada, if someone mentions a bidet it is likely to be about the famous Saturday Night Live bidet skit. It is funny, and if you have never watched it, click here to watch it for a good giggle. 

Bidets are a big thing in parts of Europe. I tried one once in Japan and the stream of water nearly sent me across the room. I was not a fan…until recently. You see, until this recent trip through Portugal and Spain I don’t think I had been using the bidet correctly. NOW I get it!

It is really quite simple...you put the plug in…add the bath gel until the water gets sudsy, and then put in all your stinky undies and socks. Massage lightly and then drain and rinse. The perfect mini washing machine. It is no wonder these are so popular in hotels! 

They have a secondary use too! When you are busy and have stinky feet after a long day of walking tours, but do not have time for a shower before dinner, simply fill with sudsy water, and while sitting on the toilet beside it doing other business - like catching up on the news – soak your feet!

My next renovation will definately include a bidet! Not only for the genuine water saving uses mentioned above, but also because I eventually figured out how to properly use it for its official use, and it truly is a great way to freshen up before bed without using a lot of water or getting your hair wet.

Bidets aside, I thought this would be a good time to remind my followers why this blog is called Two Star Retirement. The concept was to give people a chance to follow my travels to see the type of life I have managed to build for myself – despite NOT having millions of dollars. Almost every day during my tour of Spain this month, after talking to people, I would hear the comment, "Would be nice to have the money to be able to travel so much."

Even my kids sometimes don't get that the way I usually travel does not cost me money but in fact, sometimes I even make money. It's quite simple: I rent my furnished house out for $2000 a month and I stay places that cost less than $1500/month. The difference pays for my flights and food. Easy peasy! 

When I started writing my blog in October 2017, my husband Stephane – who even did some of the writing early on – and I had sold our house and were heading off indefinately to Mexico and the Caribbean in search of the perfect retirement spot. The early blog was meant to chronicle that search and to show how you can live comfortable - even luxuriously - on less than a million dollars.

Over time, the blog evolved to include many topics of interest from investing and health issues to a diary of living on a secluded beach for two months in the Caribbean. That part of the blog garnered readers from around the world (click here if you want to see how the reality of living on a white sand beach compares to the dream).

When my marriage ended at the beginning of the pandemic, after a four-month trip to Africa, I continued to blog, and while many things in my life have changed since then, many things have not. I continue to travel – only I do it alone now – or with friends. Last fall I went mushroom hunting in the Pacific Northwest of the U.S. with a girlfriend, and this fall I am travelling alone in Spain.

While I exuded a lot of confidence early on in this blog regarding the capacity of my nest egg to withstand time, I must admit that with inflation so high, and house prices dropping, I am certainly feeling the pinch and a little less confident. I mean, let’s face it, this blog is not called Five Star Retirement! In fact I am pretty screwed if I live past 80!

Having said that, travelling has given me a good dollop of perspective. I have come to deeply acknowledge my privilege and my first world problems for what they are. People with far less money than I live happy, full lives. Travel has taught me I am rich beyond measure. I write in depth about this in the book I just published on Amazon called Around the World: A Journey Inward. It chronicles a trip around the world I took with my oldest son in 2007 - a trip which transformed my thinking and freed me to feel that I could truly live the life I want – one that is rich in experiences and rich in relationships.

You cannot take that nice new car or house with you when you die – and on your death bed it is unlikely you are going to say, “I sure wish I had worked more in my life.”

Travel has enriched my life beyond belief. A section from my book sums it up well:

Europe’s beauty and history drew me there, but it was in Europe where I learned how not to travel, and that to travel efficiently is to miss the important moments. Europe built character, and it was where Joel and I faced the truth about our relationship, and it was the beginning of trust between a mother and son. My experience in Europe is also where I learned to truly appreciate food as something that can nurture not just the body, but also the soul. Plus, it was the beginning of an appreciation for slow food and a desire to learn more about food and wine.

Ghana was the place where I left my old self behind and where three orphan boys shook me to the core. The culture shock of poverty in Ghana taught me to put my privilege in perspective and to truly appreciate it. It was the beginning of my search for real riches and my introduction to permaculture and growing food sustainably, something at the core of my newest business venture.

Kenya was awe-inspiring: the beauty of the Serengeti is impossible to capture with words, but the amazing experience of being close to wild animals - of seeing life and death unfold in front of my eyes not only inspired future safaris in Africa, but, more importantly, Kenya was where, in a mud hut in the Serengeti, I came to understand that one’s worldview is not a reflection of reality, but of perception.

India was the fulfillment of a childhood dream and was everything I had hoped it would be. The extremes within Indian culture met my need for intensity in a way that other places did not. There I learned to deeply appreciate my own nation and culture. I learned the value of clean water and pure air and how blessed I am to live in Canada.

And Nepal, well, sitting at the base of that golden mountain peak was the moment I knew, without a doubt, I had been changed. It was where I felt the intense joy of being in the present moment, and when I left there, I knew my life would never be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can Choose

Today I thought my heart would burst.

The day began with the capacity to get me down and ruin my week, but instead, my heart is bursting with happiness.

I know there are many things happening in the world today that are serious issues. One only needs to ponder the war in the Ukraine, climate disasters around the world, viruses, health issues and inflation – and it all has the capacity to break us, to make us sad, and to push us beyond our limits.

I refuse to let it.

My lousy week was full of renovation issues and unexpected health concerns that have seriously set me back and have me a bit worried, but, then a friend came by with muffins and we had a wonderful visit. After that I climbed into my makeshift splash pool to cool off and soaked in the beauty of what was all around me. At 3:30 it was time to go to the local pub to have a beer with “the gang” and there we delved into a heartfelt discussion on water conservation and how we as individuals can get beyond our outdated notions of what is beautiful, say goodbye to our lawns, and embrace what the planet is telling us it needs.

It gave me hope. (And the beer was good too!!)

Before I left, another dear friend had offered to come help me hang my shower curtain and I again was filled with a sense of gratitude for the community I am a part of. These moments of gratitude help me see past my current health issues and see the world for what is - beautiful.

I refuse to give in to despair. The world is not going to hell in a hand basket. The world is beautiful – and we can all be a part of making it that way - of preserving it. We are the world.

When I got home, I poured myself a glass of local red wine and heaped some fresh garden vegetables on my plate, and as I sat in the yard eating, looking at the mountain and the burgeoning cumulous clouds all around me I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and contentment.

Contentment had eluded me my whole life (just read my book and you will know what I mean). And even though at his moment I have good reason to feel afraid and mad and sad – I am content. I truly am.

After dinner as my chickens took their daily dirt bath, I walked (hobbled) about my garden and breathed in the bounty…I saw ripening tomatoes and a new little melon…a rare heirloom. I counted several little squash (squashes?)- terribly late to arrive – but welcomed. There were peppers – green, red, orange, and purple, and large peaches beginning to blush. Artichokes and sunflowers were ready for picking and the petunias and dahlias looked so happy.

How could I possibly be sad when I am so very blessed.

Even while the fires burn around me – and smoke wafts up over the mountain behind my house from a new fire started close by yesterday, I have hope. There is always hope.

While I was pondering my blessings my phone rang and it was my number one son…calling to talk about the weather…one of my favorite things to do.

I miss storm chasing.

We talked about the cloud formations all around us. Towering cumulonimbus clouds were beginning to anvil at the top and I could see the formation of mammatus clouds under the anvil. It was beautiful.

Life is beautiful.

How lucky am I that my son calls so frequently – that he shares my love of food and clouds. How lucky am I that my other sons are healthy and doing so well. I am a proud mama.

We all have a choice: to dwell on the negative things in our life – or to embrace the beauty.

Blue Eggs and Ham

I am staring out the window watching the Okanagan Lake get smaller and smaller. The unusual cold weather is slowly forming ice along the shore, and in the three days I have been house sitting on the lake, I have watched the shore ice move out several feet a day.

The geese are huddled on the ice with their heads tucked under their wings, just as I am huddled under a warm blanket watching yet more snow fall on this first day of 2022 – not exactly where I expected to be right now...

Judith and I drove home from Palm Springs quite unexpectedly after analyzing the potential of possible border restrictions due to the new Omicron variant. Along the way we did some hiking in Yosemite and Shasta National Parks – both worth visiting. Our last day of driving we encountered our first snow, and felt relieved to be safely back across the border on December 4^th.

That left me back in Kelowna with a flight to Puerto Vallarta leaving from Los Angeles, and finding a way to get there within the one-day window for a negative covid test proved to be near impossible. In the end I cancelled my flight and booked another direct flight. I am heading to Puerto Vallarta for two months on January 5, and although there are suggestions we should not travel right now, my own instinct tells me I will be much safer in an area where all social gatherings are outdoors. 

The Mexican state of Jalisco is in the “Green Zone” and covid numbers are dropping as the temperature there cools and people are moving their activities outdoors. Kind of the opposite here: just as we do not want to be sharing air – we are all huddled indoors breathing each other’s droplets. Ick….

I am looking forward to getting back to the warm weather (and away from the chocolate I have been gorging on), and I desperatly need excercise (something I find too difficult to motivate myself to do in the cold). I also am anxious to have some time to get back to my book, which was supposed to be completed and sent off to the copy editor by the end of December.

I am especially excited to begin planning and designing the website for my newest business venture which will involve me transforming a piece of property I bought in Oliver, BC last week, into a demonstration urban farm built on permaculture and food forest practices.

My interest in permaculture began on my first trip around the world when I was in Kumasi, Ghana where I taught a class in marketing at the Kumasi Institute of Tropical Agriculture. I was inspired by their commitment to sustainable, small-scale farming which was effectively feeding poor families, one backyard farm at a time.

Since then, I have been researching and learning and practicing various techniques, and finally feel ready to demonstrate and share my knowledge in a way that will not only meet my own needs, but that has the potential to give back to the community. 

If this global pandemic has taught us anything, it is that food security is something we should all be concerned about – and I want to do my part to contribute to part of the solution, which I believe, is a return to backyard farming and local food supplies.

It is my intent to offer a residency program combining permaculture and backyard farming courses in conjunction with a luxurious stay in my Global Village vacation rental suite complete with gourmet breakfast (made of course, from backyard fruits, veggies and of course eggs). Yes, I will once again be the chicken lady - as my new house already has installed a small flock of chickens who lay beautiful blue eggs).

These courses will also be offered for free to local students and people on income assistance who will be sent home with both knowledge and seeds.

I am very excited about this next venture. I have operated a highly successful bed and breakfast business in the past, and I have showcased some beautiful backyard farming, but the piece that was missing for me was about giving back to the community and working towards a cause I am passionate about. I want to live my dharma.

Dharma is a Buddhist belief about finding fulfillment through combining something you are both passionate about and good at with affecting positive change in the world. In 2022 that is what I intend to do, so stay tuned for a play by play on the development of the “farm” and once I get moved and settled, come on by for some blue eggs and ham!

Happy New Year and until then, think about which of the following modules you or someone you know might be interested in:

• Chicken Poo – the urban gardeners best resource
• How to Make Your Own Soil (by stealing your neighbours leaves)
• Edible Landscaping: if you water it, you should eat it!
• Companion Planting and Building Tree Guilds
• Landscaping Design: permaculture does not need to look ugly
• Budget Saving Through Seed Saving and Food Preservation
• Mushroom Foraging and Backyard Fungi Cultivation
• Worms: a girl's best friend!

Blowin' in the Wind

Up to our arrival in Palm Springs I have thoroughly enjoyed the RVing experience. Moving from place to place and seeing new things everyday really rings my bell. However, it is more expensive than just flying somewhere and staying put (and in many ways less comfortable), so for anyone who thinks RVing is an inexpensive way to travel – think again.

I had done a little research before we left, so this did not come as a surprise to me, but I thought it might be useful for readers who may be considering such a trip as we have undertaken, to see how this RVing trip compares to my more usual winter in the south.

One of the places I usually go in the winter is Puerto Vallarta. Not the hotel zone or "zona romantica" which are full of tourists and noise and where the beaches are crowded and the water is icky, but instead, I go to Conchas Chinas, a district of Mexican villas built on the hillside just south of Puerto Vallarta and overlooking the Bay of Banderas. 

Conchas Chinas is called the "Beverly Hills" of Puerto Vallarta due to its many multi million-dollar villas owned by celebrities and politicians. It is a quiet neighbourhood with no stray dogs or loud nightclubs, and the older buildings have big wooden shudders you can throw open in the morning so you can watch the whales breaching in the bay below and enjoy the sunsets at night.

Just down the hill there is a special beach where very few tourists go, where the water is a lovely dark turquoise and the sand is soft. You often find you have the beach to yourself except for the occasional vendor who walks by with shrimp on a stick. There is just something about the dramatic hillside, the stunning views, the cackle of birds in the surrounding jungle, and the sunsets that brings me back time and again.

The cost of my stays there is about $1500 CAD a month. For most people, the cost would be about $2000 CAD a week to stay in Conchas Chinas, but because of the travel club I belong to I can usually stay in wonderful resorts for far less.

In 2012 after a 2-year long, hard fought political campaign, I went to a high-end, gourmet all-inclusive in Puerto Morales where I spent the week recouperating from the campaign. I was so impressed with the quality of the food and the luxuriousness of the hotel that I went to the time share spiel. Unike most time shares where you purchase a set week, I was able to purchase 90 weeks for $9000 US. The thing is, most of those 90 weeks have to be spent at that resort because the normal contract only allows for you to use 4 "explorer weeks" per year at other resorts - using a time share platform like RCI or Interval International. 

Unlike many people who might sign on the dotted line without reading the contract, I took the 9 page contract back to my room and read every word, and came back the next day having made a few changes to it. The salesperson accepted the changes (and proably got in superior shit for doing so after the fact) because I had changed the contract to allow for "unlimited explorer weeks." 

So now, when I deposit these weeks into my FREE Interval International account, I can exchange them for stays at high end resorts around the world for a $300 US transaction fee per week. It is these weeks that have allowed me to spend my winters in luxury on a two star budget, and to stay in Conchas Chinas for $1500 a month!  So that, along with the typical $200 CAD I would spend on busses and Ubers, my total monthly cost for a spacious place with a full kitchen and ocean view is $2200 CAD.

Judith has been tallying the cost of our journey down the west coast and through wine regions, and the first month’s cost was $1850 CAD for the RV park stays and propane, and about $600 CAD for Diesel. Gas for my car (because to see or experience anything you most certainly need a car if you are RVing) was another $350 CAD. Total monthly cost was $2800.

In fairness, many people who RV just drive directly to some warm spot in the south and stay put for 3-6 months so instead of paying nightly park rates they are paying monthly park rates. These can really vary depending on where you are staying.

We are staying in Desert Hot Springs a place I do not recommend. The cost is $950 CAD.

Having never been here before when we booked, we had no idea that Desert Hot Springs was so, well, ugly. And windy. And grimy. And boring. (In fairness, Judith does not hate it here as she is far less susceptible to boredom, and she is more inclined to enjoy the activities in the park like Texas holdem and painting. Additionally, we are 45 minutes from Joshua Tree National Park and 30 minutes from Palm Springs shopping and museums etc.) 

I on the other hand prefer to be in a place where I can go walking and exploring without having to drive to do so, and I hate wind! Today it is so windy the RV is rocking and you cannot go outside as the blowing sand stings the skin and gets in your eyes. And pickleball is certainly not an option unless you want to play with someone a few miles downwind! Not suprisingly, within 5 days of being here I knew that I did not want to stay and have already booked my flights and 4 weeks in Conchas Chinas. And I am determined to find us a better place to stay until then.

So, yesterday we went in search of a little more luxury in Palm Springs or Palm Desert where it is reportedly less windy and certainly less grimy, and let me tell you – it is slim pickings. The only acceptable place we found was $4500 CAD a month and it was fully booked so we could not move to there even if we wanted to. And trust me – that place was not exactly high end in my opinion. It had trees – a nice change from the piece of sand we are staying on, but the place needed maintenance, had a significant amount of highway traffic, and was surrounded by gated communities so there was literally nowhere to walk. Although it was better than here, for 4.5 times the money, it certainly was not 4.5 times nicer! 

So while Judith is booking us into the hotels in San Diego and Temecula wine country, I am checking out other parks in southern California and Arizona (though I do not have my hopes up at this late date).

There are pros and cons to all choices, and for some people the RV life may be the ticket, but for me, if the RV is not moving down a highway, I prefer to book a lovely comfortable place with a full-sized bed and kitchen where I do not have to walk a block through a sandstorm to take a shower. As for what you prefer, the answer is blowing in the wind...

Prickly Pear Disaster - Week Four

 

If you have been following this blog recently you know that Judith and I have been doing some foraging. Mostly we look for mushrooms but have also had some success finding wild berries and greens, and the occasional fruit. Well now that we are in Palm Springs (which is in the middle of the desert) I suggested we go pick some prickly pear.

Prickly Pear is a flowering cactus, and the entire plant is edible. The fruit has a pleasant watermelon-like flavour. The cactus has flat, rounded “lobes” called cladodes containing large, smooth, fixed spines and small, hairlike prickles called glochids. The fruit also has these spines – but they are less visible, so before Judith and I realized what was happening, we both began saying ow, ouch, ooo shit, ouch! 

When I realized the gravity of our situation (as in just how many freaking spikes were imbedded in my hands), I tried using my teeth to pull the big clusters out. This my friends, is likely the stupidest thing I have ever done.

So, for the next couple of hours, Judith and I took turns with the tweezers carefully trying to pull out the thousands of almost invisible but painful spikes from our fingers and palms - all the while my tongue is hanging out of my mouth and I am drooling. It soon became clear, however, that tweezers were not going to do the trick, so out came the duct tape! 

Nope – that didn’t work either.

Judith managed to get enough out of one of her hands that she was able to Google remedies for stupid people who picked prickely pear fruit without gloves, and that sent us off to meet our RV neighbours in search of some Elmer’s glue.

We were quite a sight – both hands covered in a gooey coat of glue – waiting for it to dry so we could carefully pull the dried glue off like dead skin – in the hopes the spiky tidbits thoroughly lodge in our hands would come out. It worked!

Then there was the issue of the tongue….Glue is water soluble (and less than delicious). Nope. Duct tape does not stick to tongues – tried it. So into the bathroom we went armed with a cell phone flashlight and the tweezers. Problem is prickly pear spikes look remarkably like tastebuds....sigh.

&%$@!

I gave up on the tweezers and moved on to my electric toothbrush…nope. Next up was rubbing my tongue and lips hard with the washcloth and much to my surprise it worked! (either that or my tongue was so numb from rubbing that I couldn’t feel it anymore). 

Either way, I convinced myself that the spines in my tongue would best be dealt with by swishing a large quantity of wine around in my mouth and swallowing.

Cheers!