Bad Jujus

I was not planning on blogging while here in Mexico. Since we are only here for two weeks, my goal was to have no goals - except to listen to my body, and give it everything it needs. So for a week I have been sleeping, eating, drinking, reading, mindlessly surfing the net, and sleeping some more. Normally that would be a very hard thing for me to do, I struggle to sit still for any length of time, but I am so exhausted from two months of hard work on the reno that I am not even bored yet. I even took a nap one day - almost unheard of for me. Relaxation may have to be put on hold now though...things are about to get pretty exciting around here.

At this writing we are now watching closely as two severe storms, Tropical Storm Vicente and Hurricane Willa, pick up speed and strength and head our way. Hurricane Willa is currently a Category 3 hurricane and is expected to get even stronger. Fortunately it is expected to weaken before making landfall, not too far from here, as a Cat 2 storm...maybe even Cat 3. Now for some people, that would be “bad jujus” as my friend Leann says, but if you know me, you know I am a storm chaser, and so the prospect of experiencing a hurricane is really quite exciting, and reading hourly forecasts for me beats the hell out of watching 14 Night Shift episodes in a row on Netflix. I LOVE storms.

I started storm chasing when I was in my twenties; back before storm chasing was a thing. I was a stay at home mom and would often pack the kids up, strap them in their carseats, and head out on a chase. (I know, I know, in hindsight that probably could have gotten me arrested for child abuse). In those days, chasing wasn’t a tourist thing, or a tour...it was a volunteer job to report funnel clouds, wall clouds, or tornadoes to Environment Canada.

Most of my chases were busts, (storm chaser jargon for seeing no tornados) however, I have seen the most amazing cloud formations. Liquid sky. Breathtaking beauty. I even snapped some great photos of the epic storm that produced the tornado that killed 12 in Pine Lake, AB on July 14, 2000. After the storm I drove and walked part of the path of destruction...a kilometer wide path of flattened trees. The power of nature is awe inspiring. It humbles me. I knew two people who died in that storm that ripped through a campground tossing RVs into the lake like dinky toys. It was very tragic and I do not take storms lightly.

I did a couple of radio interviews after that storm (I was the only registered female storm chaser at that time, part of a group called the Fighting Prairie Weather Dogs, so I often got contacted by media). I remember the interviewer saying, “why in the world would you want to go anywhere near a storm like that?” And all I could say in response was to describe the beauty of a backlit supercell racing across the golden yellow canola fields - a sharp contrast of colours - like a beautiful canvas, blue black against electric yellow - with wispy virga trailing and a rainbow framing, and how it reminds me of how small I truly am...an ant in the universe. Chasing a storm is like being an astronaut...striving to reach something unreachable. A reminder of my powerlessness.

Although Hurricane Willa is likely to make landfall some distance from here, we are in a unique position here on the Bay of Bandaras as we are in the direct path of Vicente - coming from the south, and just to the south of Willa. Air travels counterclockwise around a storm, and so where we are puts us in a small area where the destructive winds and storm surge from both storms converge.

Winds in this area are predicted to be sustained at least 60mph, and the storm surge could be quite a serous threat.

We will know more tomorrow, and I will be following the Hurricane Center’s regular updates, and will try to post pics as things evolve. We are located in Punta de Mita at the northern end of the Bay, just south of the Hurricane watch zone. We are currently under a tropical storm warning. Some people might not be taking this storm serously, however, I have too much respect for the power of storms. I have been within 2 miles of a storm that killed many people and I was scared shitless. Nature is truly awesome. I would be stupid to not be frightened of what is to come, but it will remind me of my place in the universe.

Is the Plan Failing?

Blogging has been a sort of therapy for me. It is not really about being “read,” in fact, I am certain there are many times I spend hours writing only to have the words disappear into the universe – left to fade without audience or contemplation. It does not matter. I write for me. I write to remember, and I write to synthesize my own jumble of thoughts and feelings.

I have often struggled with where to draw the line between sharing things so personal that the truth is uncomfortable, and desperately needing to write so that my head does not explode. I want to write the truth about this retirement experiment – with humour and authenticity – but without whitewashing reality; and the reality is not always entertaining.

Stephane and I are not getting along. The stress of this renovation has taken a toll and proven more than we can handle. I once read that renovations rank up there on the stress scale next to divorce and death. (Yes, there is a stress scale!) I knew we would struggle. What I underestimated was how the huge change of going from 9 months of bliss to the money pit from hell would affect both of us. I also underestimated the toll the long physical days would take on our aging bodies.

For most people, retirement does not have to mean that you spend 24 hours a day with each other. In fact, that is probably not healthy. Having some hobbies, or part time work is a good idea. It just so happens that we chose to do extensive travel immediately after Steph left his job and thus, we have literally been together every minute of every day and night for the past year. That is not a hard thing to do when laying on the beach listening to the waves, but now that we are home, and under a great deal of physical, mental, emotional and financial pressure, we are both desperately in need of some time alone.

Unfortunately, this never ending reno has forced us into endless long days, side by side. There is nowhere to hide from the mess, the drywall dust, the noise, or each other. Our reserves are empty and we have not been kind to each other. It makes me sad and disappointed that somehow we could not be stronger and get through this without hurting each other.

I suppose stress for some brings out the best in them, but not so for us. We both lack certain coping skills – no doubt a result of our upbringing, and while in normal times our differences are what keep us close, when under stress it all gets a little ugly. OK, a lot ugly.

Normally I expect certain surprises and issues with a reno, but this one really takes the cake. It has been one problem after another – literally pushing us to the brink both emotionally and financially. We are at the point of no return though, so the work goes on, the punishing hours go on. The line of credit grows while the emotional reserves shrink.

Stephane and I play together very well. Leisure, music, food, love – we are good at it. We love to spend time together doing these things. We are best friends. People have often remarked that they are jealous when they see Steph and me together. “You can see the love you have for each other when you sing together.” “You two are such a perfect couple.”

It's true, and yet, working together has proven quite the opposite. We have different tolerances. Different skills. We are not compatible workers. We had considered that as a possibility when I came up with this two star retirement plan, but we were overly optimistic – brushing aside our gut feelings and past experience and hoping it would be different - that somehow being retired would change the dynamics. It did not.

Renovating houses together is no longer an option. This part of my two star retirement plan needs adjusting. But before I can come up with a new plan I have to find a way to renovate my marriage.